In a galaxy not so far away at an extraterrestrial outpost selling “wonder drugs” inspired by the amazing human body from a planet called Earth in the Milky Way galaxy…
Step right up to “Xizzax’s Earthling Remedies” where we have taken real samples of human body parts and created wonder drugs to heal any malady you can imagine! Our products are all approved by the Intergalactic Food and Drug Advisory so you can rest at ease knowing it will have no ill-effect on your body. Plus, no real humans were harmed in the making of our products. We sneak into human homes at night, use our “mosquito bots” to obtain human blood samples while the earthlings sleep, and extract human DNA from their blood to create human clones to supply our shop with all the fleshy body parts needed to provide 5 star medicine to you. What is today’s special you ask? The amazing transparent liquid that can eliminate pain, act as an anti-depressant, and fight off those pesky pathogens–human saliva.
Whether you have a hard body, soft body, or you are just a blob of ooze, saliva can help you in some way. Let’s start with a quick definition. Saliva is essentially human blood without the red blood cells. It contains beneficial substances like calcium, hormones, and immune system stimulating compounds. In fact, saliva can act as an early defense system by catching foreign particles that enter your body through your food hole and sending warning signals to your body’s immune system.
Tired of those nagging sores in your food hole after eating those delicious bony Nagrathronx? We all know the food hole is a very sensitive place: soft tissue covering hundreds of sensory organs so you can have a pleasant tasting experience. Well human saliva contains a natural pain killer called ‘opiorphin’ which is said (by trustworthy human scientists) to be even stronger than morphine! No wonder humans eat so much, eating to them is rarely a painful experience! Then why don’t those humans wander around in a drug-induced daze all the time? Well their salivary glands produce just the right amount of pain killer to make eating pleasant and pain free without the overdose. Current studies by human scientists also hypothesize that saliva may have ability to act as an anti-depressant. Just observe how humans eat so much when stressed or sad, they call this “comfort eating.” Well these same opiorphins that relieve pain may also contain substances that suppress depression.
If you don’t care to bottle up human saliva as a natural pain killer or an immune system stimulant, you may like to use it for its ability to freshen your breath! Having a hard time attracting your slimy, slithering, or snorting significant other? It may be your dragon breath and you may want to give human saliva a try. Human saliva is made with an amazing compound called ‘mucin.’ Mucins are the main protein component of mucus, which is responsible for capturing bad bacteria in your food hole and holding them hostage until antibacterial substances from your immune system can arrive and kill the bad bacteria. The key to fresh breath is killing bacteria that has taken up permanent residence in your food hole. Of course, some bacteria is good to have in your food hole. But let your food hole go too long without saliva, like when humans sleep and produce far less saliva then when awake, and the bacteria have an open invite to party. Don’t let them party and dictate your breath freshness! Take human saliva and stimulate its production by brushing your teeth or chewing gum and it will take care of that excess bad bacteria in no time.
Human saliva is a miracle on Earth. It can relieve pain and possibly depression, cure bad breath, and aid the immune system in fighting off bad bacteria and other pathogens entering the body through the food hole. Human saliva can be yours for 5 monthly payments of 99 IUCs (Intergalactic Union Credits). If I haven’t sold you on this one-of-a-kind wonder drug known as “human saliva,” then just you wait for our next human cure-all going on sale in a couple of weeks.
THANK YOU for reading! Please comment below and let me know how I am doing to help you see your world through the intriguing lens of science.
*Most of the information used in this blog post came to my from a wonderful book which every earthling should read–“Gut” by Giulia Enders.