In a galaxy not so far away at an extraterrestrial outpost selling “wonder drugs” inspired by the amazing human body from a planet called Earth in the Milky Way galaxy…
Step right up to “Xizzax’s Earthling Remedies” where we have taken real samples of human body parts and created wonder drugs to heal any malady you can imagine! Our products are all approved by the Intergalactic Food and Drug Advisory so you can rest at ease knowing it will have no ill-effect on your body. Plus, no real humans were harmed in the making of our products. We sneak into human homes at night, use our “mosquito bots” to obtain human blood samples while the earthlings sleep, and extract human DNA from their blood to create human clones to supply our shop with all the fleshy body parts needed to provide 5 star medicine to you. What is today’s special you ask? How about a popular Earthling riddle told by a small hairy-footed man they call the ‘Hobbit,’ “Thirty white horses on a red hill, first the champ, then they stamp, then they stand still…” Our special for you today is teeth.
Whether you are a fierce predacious alien looking to snatch up your next meal by the flesh or an organic matter-eating slime ball, these sets of human teeth have the answer for all your eating needs. Though the ‘Hobbit’ claims there are only 30 teeth, I am selling you only the highest of quality teeth with a whopping 32 teeth per set! That includes 8 incisors (perfect for chiseling and cutting away at your food), 4 canines (Use these pointed teeth if the flesh of the Flegnarf you are eating is a tad on the tough side), 8 premolars and 12 molars (molars are ideal for you slimy scalawags that like to grind down and chew on your prey for hours).
Each tooth is finely crafted by human DNA to make your eating experience a pleasurable one. The hard, calcium mineralized outer layer of each tooth is known as ‘enamel’ and is the hardest substance found in the human body. The crown of each tooth is 97% mineral, is it any wonder it is so durable?! Beneath the enamel is another hard protective bone-like structure called ‘dentine.’ Both of these layers protect the inside of the tooth which is called ‘pulp’ and contains nerves and blood vessels which supply the tooth with nutrients. All of these are anchored to the bone of the jaw. Together, the whole structure of the tooth is sure to make your next meal of schmeep pies one to remember.
I see you are very interested in purchasing your very own set of human teeth, that’s good! But let me show you another very important part of this purchase–The Human Teeth User Guide! Here are some incredibly important parts of the user guide you should keep in mind:
- Biofilms, or communities of microscopic life, are sure to form on your teeth. Bacteria in your mouth can be good and bad. Certain “good” bacteria can prevent the growth and reproduction of “bad,” or harmful, bacteria, But if bacteria colonize into biofilms along the surface of your teeth, they can produce lots of enamel-eating acid. You cannot avoid the microbes! It is estimated that approximately 20 million microbes live in the human oral cavity!
- Control this microbial ecosystem that exists in your mouth with Xizzax’s probiotic mouthwash. This mouthwash is specifically designed to target and kill the bad, acid-producing bacteria while keep the more beneficial bacteria in check. Buy your set of human teeth today and get this mouthwash for only 25 IUCs (Intergalactic Union Credits)! Humans like to use some weird white string to clean teeth, but our mouthwash is specially designed to slide into every nook and cranny in your mouth for an all-around cleaning. Buy our probiotic mouthwash in bulk today!
- Brushing your human teeth daily is a must. But no need to use that disgusting human minty toothpaste! Head on over to the Xizzax sand pit after your human teeth purchase and pick up a bucket of sand for free! Human toothpaste is made of sand anyways! That nice abrasive sand will scrub your teeth clean in not time, and our sand comes in Nagrathronx flavor!
Act now and you can get Human Saliva with your purchase of Human Teeth for 6 easy payments of 199 IUCs! What’s with that skeptical look?! Don’t take my word for it! Here is an alien customer testimonial about our human teeth product:
“I absolutely LOVE my recent purchase of human teeth and saliva! I can literally eat whatever I want with ease, be it slimy, moldy, bony, or scaly. Plus the bacteria has been fairly easy to manage with daily sand scrubbing the the essential Xizzax’s probiotic mouthwash! Also, if you buy the Human Saliva, it helps neutralize the acid produced by the bacteria thus helping protect my teeth. Lastly, the Human Teeth with Saliva combo pack has helped improve my overall health. Oral health and systemic health are deeply connected. Bacteria and immune cells that exist in our mouths, and the condition of our teeth, can give us clues as to what is happening deep inside our body. Thank you Xizzax for helping improve my overall health and creating a more pleasurable eating experience for me!”
I hope you have enjoyed my creative approach to teaching about some of the important parts of the human body. Join Xizzax next time as he tries to sell more cloned human body parts! If there is something you want to see Xizzax sell in his shop, comment below!
For more information about teeth, see this resource which I gathered some information from: https://www.sciencefriday.com/segments/ask-a-dentist-tooth-science/
Also, check out my previous blog post where Xizzax tries to sell human saliva: lifethroughgreentintedglasses.blog/2020/02/24/saliva-for-sale/