In a galaxy not so far away at an extraterrestrial outpost selling “wonder drugs” inspired by the amazing human body from a planet called Earth in the Milky Way galaxy…
Step right up to “Xizzax’s Earthling Remedies” where we have taken real samples of human body parts and created wonder drugs to heal any malady you can imagine! Our products are all approved by the Intergalactic Food and Drug Advisory so you can rest at ease knowing it will have no ill-effect on your body. Plus, no real humans were harmed in the making of our products. We sneak into human homes at night, use our “mosquito bots” to obtain human blood samples while the earthlings sleep, and extract human DNA from their blood to create human clones to supply our shop with all the fleshy body parts needed to provide 5 star medicine to you. What is today’s special you ask? It’s a deal that is so scary good that it will make you jump out of your “skin” and into ours… we are offering you Human Skin today!
Got a hot date coming up? Before you grab your usual slimy, yet stylish, ooze coat try our Human Skin coat on for size. Smooth and sleek, not only is this skin coat handsome, but it’s also handy! From protection against harsh external environments to regulation of your body temperature, Human Skin has a lot of perks to offer you. Below are excerpts from the Human Skin user guide to illustrate some of the incredible perks to having Human Skin.
- Protection from external environments: Is your natural body soft, gooey, and defenseless? No one is judging you, some of us were just born softies! Human skin offers you that added protection so you can leave your crater home with confidence. No one likes a slime ball who still lives in their mother’s basement, buy Human Skin today and be free!
- Regulation of temperature: Going to the chilly ice planet Sheegoth on your date? Or maybe the hot volcanic planet Maggora? Or perhaps your alien date is an attractive 10 out of 10 and things are just going to be getting a little steamy? We got you covered! Within the dermis of Human Skin are packed with blood vessels. These blood vessels widen to allow more Human blood through when it is hot to help keep the body cool and they contract to allow less blood through when it is cold to help limit heat lost from your body.
- Barrier against infection: Not only does the epidermis of the skin offer protection from external environments, but it also can protect you from pesky, unwanted little bugs and germs with a little help from bacteria. So you like your date but they lack good hygiene. A colony of good bacteria on your skin can fight off bad bacteria. Human Skin comes with a starter kit for growing your very own beneficial bacteria colony. Simply grow the colony, and apply to your skin weekly for that added protection.
- Sensitivity to pain and touch: Is your date getting too close for comfort? Can’t get its slimy tentacles off of you? Maybe they are literally trying to stab you in the back while you are not looking? Well Human Skin may just save you from your date with the serial killer! With a unique combination of nerve endings, muscle fibers, and hairs, the Human Skin can sense physical pressures from the outside world, send messages to your brain warning you of the pressure, and send a signal back to the muscles causing you to move away from that creepy stalker date gone wrong.
- Prevention of water loss: Going on a date to the sand dunes on the dry planet of Saharandia? Worried about drying up like a prune in front of your special someone? Human Skin can help you here too! Human skin naturally produces a substance called “sebum” which helps hold water in your skin and keep your body hydrated. Plus, it can be seen as attractive. Humans purposely go days without bathing to accumulate this sleek oily substance and attract mates!
- Protection against Ultraviolet Radiation: Enjoy traveling across the galaxy with your significant other but worried about UV radiation from nearby stars? Human Skin contains natural pigment-filled cells called “melanocytes.” These cells produce the commonly known “melanin” which naturally protects the skin, and you, from harmful UV. The darker the skin, the greater the protection (generally). Ask your local Xizzax shop dealer for darker Human Skin options today!
Still not satisfied?! Oh, I see… Your date is skeptical of my amazing product and has questions you can’t answer. Well show them the commonly asked questions from satisfied customers. But warn them that they may be shocked to find that all their questions have already been answered and there are very little flaws when it comes to the incredible product of Human Skin.
Commonly Asked Questions:
Q. “Help! My Human Skin is creating water and getting me all wet! What should I do?”
A. “Not to worry, that is ‘sweat.’ That is a natural product formed by human skin. It is actually a good thing, it helps regulate body temperature by cooling down the body. Were you traveling too close to the lava pits of Maggora again?!”
Q. “After a recent trip to the nearest star, my Human Skin coat started to bubble, turned black, and stopped working. What should I do?”
A. “Though Human Skin does offer some protection from UV thanks to melanin production, it does not make you immune to UV radiation. Get too exposed to UV radiation, especially too much at one time, and your human skin will malfunction. If you purchase our Human Skin complete package with the limited warranty, we will replace your Human Skin one time for free. But don’t travel too close to stars again!”
Q. “My date and I went to our local asteroid field for fun and when I came back I noticed multiple tears in my Human Skin! How can I fix it??”
A. “Not to worry! Human Skin naturally repairs itself given enough down time through a process called ‘mitosis.’ Skin cells double the amount of DNA inside of them and then split into two identical copies. This process is repeated over and over until the tear in the human skin is healed. If you have big tears in the skin and don’t have the time to sit and wait for your skin to heal, then talk to your local Xizzax shop dealer for offers on ‘human skin grafts.’
Q. “Help! My Human Skin keeps flaking and shedding tiny white particles! It is really grossing out my date!”
A. “Unfortunately this is a natural process with Human Skin. In fact, if your human skin is shedding, it means that it is working and continues to be a healthy, living part of your body. The Human Skin sheds about 18 kg of dead skin cells in its lifetime. So get used to it! Want to limit the shedding of your skin? I suggest purchasing an extra bottle of ‘sebum’ or go Flegnarth hunting and extract the oily substance produced from its scaly hide. You can apply either substance directly to your human skin to reduce shedding and to aid in water loss prevention.”
Our complete Human Skin package comes with the “dermis” (or thick inner layer of skin that contains most of the ‘bells and whistles.’) and the “epidermis” (or thin outer layer of skin that only offers minimal protection) as well as the beneficial bacteria colony growing kit. This complete package can be yours for the stellar price of 150 IUCs (Intergalactic Union Credits). Act now and we will throw in a bottle of replacement sebum and two skin grafts for an additional 20 IUCs! Your date prefers furry instead of smooth? We have you covered, our Hairy Human Skin is now in stock! Too cheap to buy our complete package? We are now selling just the epidermis for a mere 30 IUCs, but keep in mind this is only a light jacket and is not considered very handy at all.
The Human Skin is an amazing organ that most humans take for granted! It’s life-preserving functions are second to none and this life-changing product can be yours today! Your date is sure to love it, and if they don’t then they clearly are not the one for you.
I hope you have enjoyed my creative approach to teaching about some of the important parts of the human body. Join Xizzax next time as he tries to sell more cloned human body parts! If there is something you want to see Xizzax sell in his shop, comment below!
Also, check out my previous blog posts where Xizzax tries to sell human saliva and human teeth:
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