In a galaxy not so far away at an extraterrestrial outpost selling “wonder drugs” inspired by the amazing human body from a planet called Earth in the Milky Way galaxy…
Step right up to “Xizzax’s Earthling Remedies” where we have taken real samples of human body parts and created wonder drugs to heal any malady you can imagine! Our products are all approved by the Intergalactic Food and Drug Advisory so you can rest at ease knowing it will have no ill-effect on your body. Plus, no real humans were harmed in the making of our products. We sneak into human homes at night, use our “mosquito bots” to obtain human blood samples while the earthlings sleep, and extract human DNA from their blood to create human clones to supply our shop with all the fleshy body parts needed to provide 5 star medicine to you. What is today’s special you ask? Xizzax’s 5 Human Senses!
The master hunter. With powerful eyesight they can spot a golflax flying by on a meteor hundreds of miles into space. Upon catching its prey unawares, the hunter is rewarded with the tastiest meal imaginable from the sweet scales of the smilaxx to the sour skin of the snoof. The uncatchable hunted. With a keen sense of hearing that can sense a zygar crawling in a crater the next galaxy over and a super sensitive sniffer that can smell the stench of a shnorker riding a shooting star, they can find a way to escape most any predator. Which are you, the hunter or the hunted?
If “master” and “uncatchable” are not words that describe you than we have got a deal for you! The deal you are about to experience is brighter than a supernova, tastier than a fire-roasted nagrathronx, smellier than a sweaty flegnarf, and louder than the mating call of a golflax. Other intergalactic merchants would charge you an arm and a tentacle for only half the products I’m about to offer you. Fasten your safety harnesses folks because your friend Xizzax is offering you five different human-inspired products in one amazing deal to help sharpen your senses.
Eyes:
Whether your home includes a dark cave or a bright star, our Human Eyes product is just what you need! Human eyes are designed to let varying amounts of light into them and, from that light, send electrical signals to the brain to interpret the light as an image. Muscles that hold the lens of the human eye can relax to allow the user to see distant objects, like the alien predator that wants to nibble on your haunches. These muscles can also contract to allow the user to see nearby objects, for you knitting fanatics out there.
Light-sensitive parts of the eye, called photoreceptors, are mostly found in the retina of the eye and can interpret varying amounts of light by using specialized cells called “rod” cells and “cone” cells. Rod cells are used in dark locations and allow the user to see gray scale images even when very little light is present. Cone cells are used in light-filled locations and allow the user to see a wide range of colored objects. Trying to sneak up on your favorite cave-dwelling snack but still cannot see well enough in the dark? We have you covered! For a limited time only, you can order one of our special “Human Eyes Pitch Black” products that allow you to see things in the dark 10 times more efficiently than a normal human eye. We used genetic engineering to insert 10 times more rod cells into these bad boys!
If you buy the complete “Xizzax’s 5 Human Senses” package, your eyes will come with everything you need to see clearly. From the photoreceptors to the bipolar bodies and the ganglion cells all the way to the optic nerve. Don’t forget to consider our special “Human Eyes Pitch Black” offer!
Due to an angry customer review (don’t worry, this negative review was literally one in a million) that said our warning labels were too small with too much ‘fine print,’ let me cover my back by telling you the warning label up front!
WARNING: Staring at your local star for too long can cause your Human Eyes to malfunction which may result in defects such as “near-sightedness”, “far-sightedness”, or complete blindness. So think twice before going stargazing with your significant other. If your human eyes start to leak, something humans call “tears,” no need to panic! This means your eyes are working properly, but if they leak too long there may be a problem… it may mean you are overly emotional.
Ears:
If you are sneaking up on your prey listening to their every move or if you are trying to hear predators nearby before they can snatch you, the Human Ear product is here to help! Not only is the outside of the ear quite fashionable, it is extremely functional! The shape of the outer ear helps to locate sounds and to direct sounds into the inner ear. The “external auditory meatus” is a tunnel connecting the outer ear to the inner ear that funnels sound through and protects the ear from outside threats. Our Human Ear product comes with a lifetime supply of ear wax and ear hairs to fill your external auditory meatus with, which will help keep foreign pathogens from damaging your inner ear. Just don’t fill your auditory meatus with too much stuff, sound waves need to make their way through the tunnel, remember?! Why go through all the trouble to protect the inner ear? That is where the magic of sound interpretation happens!
Traveling through the hairy, waxy tunnel of the external auditory meatus, we reach the tympanic membrane next. This device vibrates in response to sound, triggering the key instruments of sound interpretation–the malleus, the incus, and the stapes. These three musketeers then deliver the sound wave to the cochlea. The cochlea is the real magician behind this miraculous phenomenon. The cochlea is filled with a special fluid and lined with thousands of sensory hair cells. As the slightest buzz from a xanthor’s wing beats reaches your inner ear, these hair cells vibrate in the fluid and send an electrical signal to your brain. Within a split second your brain interprets the sound and you can use your lightning fast reflexes to snag that Xanthor out of the air for your mid-morning snack. Still not satisfied with the hearing powers of the Human Ear product? For a small fee of 99 IUCs (Intergalactic Union Credits), we can genetically modify the cochlea of your ear to be longer, contain more hair cells, and thus interpret a wider range of sounds.
WARNING: The inner ear is also responsible for balance. Upon initial use of your fine Human Ear product, you may experience dizziness or sickness as you first travel through space. This is normal and you should regain balance again very soon. But be careful, if you preform too many loops around your planet at extreme speeds, your inner ear may sustain damage and vertigo, or a false sense of turning, for an extended period of time. Oh, and refrain from visiting a star that’s about to explode, the intense sound waves that result could cause malfunction of your Human Ear and lead to deafness.
Nose:
An effective sniffer can be useful for predator and prey alike. With our Human Nose product, you will be able to smell your food before your food even knows you exist. The human nose can detect up to 10,000 different odors. But be warned, the human nose is so powerful, you may be able to smell yourself which could be a bad thing. On the outside it may not look like much: a pyramid-shaped structure made of cartilage and tissue. But the treasure hidden beneath this pyramid is worth your attention. And I am not talking about the mucus and hairs that are produced to filter out foreign pathogens (though that is also an important feature and they come free with the purchase of the “Xizzax’s 5 Human Senses” package).
When an odor slips through the human nose and into the nasal cavity, olfactory cells in the “Olfactory bulb” pick up the odor molecules. These olfactory cells read the chemical signature of the odor molecules, convert those chemical signals into electric signals, and send those electric signals through nerve fibers leading up to the brain. Do you live in the stinky sulfur pits of Maggora? We can engineer your human nose to have less chemoreceptors so you don’t faint from the smell of your own home. Hunting for tiny, faintly odorous golflax? We can engineer your human nose to have more chemoreceptors so you can use your sniffer to improve your hunting.
WARNING: Minor irritants that get stuck in your human nose may cause your nose to violently expel air and mucus. This is called a sneeze and is completely normal. But if your nose starts to expel blood (humans call it a ‘nosebleed’) than that could lead to nose malfunction. If you get a nosebleed after flying at warp speed through the galaxy, this may cause your nose to malfunction beyond repair.
Tongue:
More than just a mass of muscle, our Human Tongue product can help you taste every inch of your meal. Whether you eat the spiny plants found on Saharandia or the fatty Flegnarth found on Sheegoth, the human tongue will change the way you eat forever. The key to such a tasty experience is a combination of saliva, taste buds, and nerve fibers. Saliva dissolves the food, breaking it down to its chemical components. The taste buds are packed with fine hairs and cells (called “Gustatory” hairs and cells) that act as chemoreceptors and convert the chemical signal into an electric signal. The nerve fibres connected at the bottom of each taste bud transports the electrical signal to the brain where it is interpreted as a magical taste experience.
To get the most out of your tongue, we highly recommend you invest in our special human saliva product. You can learn more about the amazing benefits of human saliva (not just for tasting) from our “Xizzax’s Shop of Human Parts: Saliva For Sale” product page.
WARNING: The human tongue was meant to be used with the Human Nose product. If your human nose has malfunctioned, then your ability to taste will greatly decrease. About 80% of the human tongue’s ability to taste is due to a fully functioning human nose.
Skin:
The ability to touch and feel objects is crucial for the survival of both the hunter and the hunted. Our Human Skin product will change your life. Don’t believe me? Read this testimonial from a satisfied alien customer:
“As a blob of ooze, I could not get a grip on my life. Whenever I tried to grab something, it slipped through my grasp. When I tried to cuddle with my significant other, I could not feel their warm embrace. In fact, my significant other usually kept their distance from me. Life had little meaning for me, you could say I was ‘past feeling.’ Until Xizzax’s Shop of Human Parts” saved my life. I purchased a nice, sweaty coat of Human Skin. The built in mechanoreceptors helped me feel everything I touched! I could finally grab things and embrace my significant other! In fact, my significant other actually initiates the hand hold now! Plus, the sweaty feature helps me still feel like my slimy self and keeps my insides moist and cool. Thanks Xizzax for changing my life!”
Want to learn more about our Human Skin product? Check out our “Xizzax’s Shop of Human Parts: Human skin” product page.
The “Xizzax’s 5 Human Senses” package can be yours for an easy one-time payment of 500 Intergalactic Union Credits. Is that initial price a little too steep? You’re in luck! Xizzax’s Shop now offers financing options for all of its products! Ask your local Xizzax Shop retailer about our monthly payment plan today! Need to tweak one or two of these Human Senses to fit your needs? Not to worry, each genetic modification costs a meager 50 additional IUCs. Act now and we will throw in a genetic modification of your choice for free! Remember, our product can be trusted as we use authentic human DNA to create all of our products. So what are you waiting for?! Purchase your “Xizzax’s 5 Human Senses” package today!
I hope you have enjoyed my creative approach to teaching about some of the important parts of the human body. Join Xizzax next time as he tries to sell more cloned human body parts! If there is something you want to see Xizzax sell in his shop, comment below!
Life through green tinted glasses 